The gifts my mom gave me

Been so very long since I posted.

So much has happened.

Life felt like it moved in slow motion, then hyper-speed.

I wrote the entry below less than two weeks after we bured my mom. She had been diagnosed on February 9, 2013 with cancer, after emergency surgery found a massive blockage in her colon and throughout her abdominal wall.

It was the most difficult year of my entire life.

I will process it, I am sure, as the days go on and I am equally sure my perspective will shift as I do.

I am glad I took the time to write some inital thoughts though. Fresh and present from what I was feeling.

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Gifts my mom gave me:

Well, over my 42 years she gave me many gifts: creativity, knowledge, strength and caring, independence.

Throughout her illness she gave me many more. She trusted me enough to talk about what she wanted, some of how she was feeling. But mom being mom, she never moaned or complained: these were the cards she was dealt - certainly not what had been planned but she would work with them nonetheless.

In one of our last visits over thanksgiving, I went to see her early one morning, obviously struggling. She could tell in my eyes and in my voice  that I was not doing well. She said to me "I am still your mother, let me help you" and as much as I didn't want to burden her with MY problems, I honored her request and shared.

And so it was during the next weekend when I was back to see her, she was forceful in her direction. As much as she loved my visits, she worried when I traveled. She sent me home on Sunday, with a kiss, telling me I needed to go. At the time i didn't realize it was goodbye, but I think she did.

I always knew she wouldn't want me to be there for her death. As surprising as the revelation was to her that I could be tough AND strong throughout her illness, she knew how sensitive I am. I can only imagine she wanted to spare me from the difficult moment.

My dad was with her at the final moment, and as she asked him to "let me go" I know she wanted him to be the one with her. It was a testament of her love for him but I also think a challenge to him. I get my sensitivity from him. This was her way of telling him that he can handle it. All of it.

And so as I move forward in this fog of grief, I try to think that her challenge to me is continue to live strongly and not let my sensitivity paralyze me.

If i can honour her memory by doing that, I will certainly do my best.

Still learning

It's been a long time since I wrote here.

Life has been full of ups and downs. Today is feeling more like a down but that will pass, I'm sure.

It's on days like today, as I feel my pulse start to race and my head get light, where I have these inner conversations in my head.

What can I do about this thing over which I'm stressing? Will the world end tomorrow? Will I be homeless and unloved? To all but the first, the answer is no. And the first answer gives me hope because there are things I can do.

I can keep telling myself that it's not the end of the world. I can keep saying that we will work this out.

I can keep telling myself that it's more important to be supportive of the ones we love than to give precedence to the feelings of others who are less dear.

I tell myself that the love of family is more important than the respect of friends. I know who I want to stand by.

I tell myself that this need to not have people disappointed in me and my intense desire to "please" at all costs stems from many years of having approval withheld. Just because I have this urgency to fix things, doesn't mean I should.

I tell myself that this feeling of panic will subside, we will make a plan to sort things out and life will resume.

a little lighter

15 books:

"Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Select fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. Choose the first fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes."

The Outsiders
The Yearling
The Child in Time, Ian McEwan
HandMaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
Lord of the Flies
The Dispossessed
A fool on the Hill, Matt Ruff
The book of Negroes, Lawrence Hill
PS I love you
A Civil Action
In cold blood
All's Fair: Love, War and Running for President
Pet Cemetary
Hanna Sheehy-Skeffington: Irish Feminist
Disarmed and Dangerous: The Radical Lives & Times of Daniel & Philip Berrigan

old news

May 12, 2009 was the first day I wrote about being pregnant. It was also the day I miscarried.

Strange timing, huh.

long time no see

Life has been busy.

Good busy. Sometimes stressful busy but at least it's interesting. Not as stressful as my previous life but enough to keep me from thinking I've completely got it together 24/7.

The house hasn't fallen down and we've actually started two renovations. Easy ones - installed a whirlpool bathtub. Harder - deciding on the surrounding tile, which leads to the question of floor tile, and shower replacement and then paint colours. That's where the project stalled.

The next one was a closet expansion in our bedroom. Started the weekend we stalled on the bathroom tiles. At least the closet organizer is up and clothes are hanging with much room to breathe. Now to finish the walls and permanently affix the closet organizer and paint the room. At some point.

We've been distracted lately though so home reno projects haven't been at the forefront of our minds.

You see, we are pregnant. After the initial shock, we are thrilled. Even in shock both of us seemed excited.

Everything is going well. Now that I know what's happening, it all makes more sense: the EXTREME moodiness, the heart burn, the tenderness, the tiredness, headaches, etc... Only a little nausea so I'm lucky. J has been wonderful with me, urging me regularly to eat well, and rest.

We've announced it to the family so now everyone who should know knows. The trip home to tell my father was stressful but necessary. He seems to be coming along so that's good too.

I'm just relieved that part is over and now we get to be a little more present in the day-to-day operations and stop worrying about other people. Or really, I can start worrying about me and the baby and no one else!

responses

In my MP3 player I have Pema Chopra's book on it. Every fourth song or so is a reading/interpretation. At first I avoided them and skipped to the next song. Today, on my day off for Family Day (living in Quebec gives me the ability to have a day off in the province I work and no kids at home since they're in school in QC, although they'd be at their mom's so it's a mute point..), I spent the day wandering my corner of town. Walked up to the pool at the top of my street, then over to the mall to get paperwork and photos for my new (and very late) health card, then to the nice old house that creates a little coffeeshop, then to get my Access Card so I can go swimming for "free" ($30 for a couple, which is better than $6 per swim)....I had a lot of time to listen and I thought, why not listen to the meditations.

It was good for me.

But I think I need more practice.

when J called from work to tell me he was on his way home, he also explained that since things didn't go as planned today (not his fault), he would have to return tomorrow night. Tomorrow night was the rescheduled Valentine's Day.

Unfortunately, I was disappointed and acted curt and sullen on the phone.

Then I thought about my reactions. All things streamed through my mind. Am I a priority? Is it easier to say no to me than to others? Am I a good doormat?

Then I paused again. Is the world ending? Is Saturday that far away (the date he suggested rescheduling to)? I know he loves me. Does it hurt that we have to reschedule? Sure. But it's not the end of the world. Am I just being a bitch?

I ended a relationship after spending too many years pretending to be the mature, rational girlfriend. Mind you, I've never been the type for big drama. A slow boil is usually my mode and then it doesn't really explode anyhow. Why? Because in the past, I often thought as soon as I exploded, "he" would walk away. And when I did explode - or stand my ground - in the last relationship, I was told I was irrational, a "bitch" or the problem.

So now I get conflicted. Maybe I've always been conflicted.

Just got a call to say that we're still on for dinner tomorrow night. J worked out something with the client and he'll do the work during the day.

Of course, I don't feel any better. I had resolved that I could live with Saturday. Guess I should have called to tell him.

Now I feel like a kid who threw a tantrum because she could. That wasn't my intention.

My intention was to convey my disappointment. I was looking forward to the time together to celebrate something...even if it's just V Day.

I don't want him to jump because I said so. He's had enough of that in his life. I suppose I want him to do it because he wants to. Simple.

It's all the underlying stuff that I"m now concerned about....when is it okay to be angry or annoyed? How do I convey that in a fair way?

Maybe the meditations would help suss this all out. I know I'm insightful but often over-think the littlest thing. I think I also need to be gentler with myself. I am not perfect nor do I react perfectly to every situation. I do try to improve and get to the heart of what I am feeling.

Sometimes it takes time to find the words for it to make sense to another person. What I do know is that J will be around for the explanation.

new traditions

I have lived away from my parents home for twenty-one years now. I've only not traveled home for Christmas once before. I tend not to count that time. It was an imposed absence and one I care not to remember. I can live with this kind of re-written history.

So this year, I was not in Sudbury to celebrate Christmas with my folks. Instead, I was in my new house starting new traditions of my own. A week or so before Christmas John and the boys and I went and picked out our tree. It was somewhat smaller than what I imagined it should be although I think the high living room ceiling contributed to that feeling. It filled out nicely and the boys helped dad put on the white lights. I dug out all the decorations I had stashed away which didn't amount to much except yards of lights. My first year back in Ottawa, I put up lights in the front room in about October and refused to take them down until I moved in September! Up went these old lights, in the dining room, the kitchen and the living room. Even the old mouse bells found a home on the boys' bedroom door.

One night before the boys next stay, I decorated the tree and John wrapped presents. It felt like it was finally coming together.

We had the boys for a week prior to Boxing Day. It was a chaotic time full of excitement and regular sibling fighting. We baked shortbread cookies (several batches) which John got on video. We took S and F to get holiday haircuts. We put out treats for Father Christmas and for the first time all week, the two didn't fight us when it was time to crawl into bed!

Christmas morning came early. Not quite as early as I expected but early enough for someone who tries not to speak before 10 am and armed with a cup of coffee. Now that I think about it though, I'm not sure I got much sleep. Between thinking about the boys waking up and trying to figure out how to get John's last present under the tree, I think I was up off and on for hours.

The boys were thrilled with their presents from Father Christmas and a few from us as well. I snapped a few good photos to mark the occasion, especially the one with S opening the radio controlled spider (yes, who knew!). I am not sure his eyes could get any wider. When we showed them the igloo that they had made half crashed, we guessed that Father Christmas had mistaken the igloo for their home and tried to land on the roof. Luckily he still found out door!

The ripping of paper was over in 30 minutes. Thankfully, the moans of "I'm bored" and "I have nothing to play with" didn't come until our next weekend. Now I know how my parents felt....I completely recall uttering the same words as a child..."Moooommmmm, whaaaatttt can I doooo? I'm sooo boooooorrrrreeeddd..."

John has the same tradition as I do of dressing for Christmas dinner which made me happy. We had friends over to enjoy the beautiful lamb he cooked and even ventured out into the cold for some fresh air. The toys were eventually put away and we settled down to watch the Grinch (new version, which is not my fave but was interesting).

All in all, a very lovely first Christmas together.

P.S. I can't wait for next year!