how is it?

just got a response to my last email from P. I was very frank in my note to him, calling him on what I saw...what others confirmed, was obvious emotional manipulation (when you think you're crazy it's helpful to have others say you're not...at least not at that moment, for that reason) It took me a lot of thinking to say the things that I did. At least 2 years of personal processing of the relationship, my part in it, and some truths. I felt good about it. About standing my ground, not being a doormat and being honest.

So how is it that this 'apology' brings me to tears? I can't really explain them. Is it because, as he said earlier, that it's sad that it's all come to this? that after 3 or so years that I don't want to be friends because of how awful I feel about our relationship - or the person I was in that relationship? Or that because all the anger I was feeling for such a long time was released by sending that note and now I finally just feel sad about the loss? Is it because his note sounds thoughtful, regretful and sincere. He sounds hurt and I feel bad for my part in that.

I don't know. Maybe it's all of these things.

I try to remember his MO. That this is part of it. I can feel bad but still be correct in my actions. Just because he's hurt, I don't have to make it better.

Maybe things will be different in time. I don't know.

But I hate the fact that the tears have come again.