home for the holidays

As usual, I've come to the home I grew up in for the holidays. This year, my brother and his family are visiting as well. Since they had kids, it's always a toss up whether or not they'll make it. With the two kids, they provide, at times a welcome distraction and buffer from the ancient family dynamics.

I'm not sure how it happens but more often than not, these dynamics rear their ugly heads. Sniping, impatience, meanness and judgement find their way in many conversations. My life isn't full of this kind of thing since I left home. I don't want it. I certainly don't need it. And I think I try to change it but I feel like I'm swimming upstream.

So today, I finally walked away. I found myself sitting in my childhood room trying to figure out what to do next. Do I take off to the gym? Go for a walk? Tell them how I feel? Stuck in the mud, I didn't do any of those things. It was enough that I removed myself. I crawled under the covers and tried to breath deeply. I finally drifted off to sleep. My safe haven.

When I awoke, I felt somewhat better. Could breathe more easily with things in a little better perspective. I can't control what other people do. I can decide how to deal with it.

the trick is to keep breathing

The Trick Is To Keep Breathing -- from Garbage

She's not the kind of girl
Who likes to tell the world
About the way she feels about herself


She takes a little time in making up her mind
She doesn't want to fight against the tide


And lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone


Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around


Can't bear to face the truth
So sick he cannot move
And when it hurts he takes it out on you


And lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone


Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around


the trick is to keep breathing
the trick is to keep breathing


She knows the human heart
And how to read the stars

Now everything's about to fall apart

I won't be the one who's going to let you down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around


The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing.

dreams

I dreamed about Brett last night. Can't remember it except while I was at the gym, I saw a woman with a bunch of tattoos and it reminded me. In the dream, wherever we were, I saw a new tattoo he had on his arm. He was addicted to tattoos. It's something we didn't agree on; something I never understood but they made him happy so that was enough for me.

Maybe I'll remember more later. It's not often I dream about him. I've wanted to for years. Not sure exactly why....like I think it'll be an actual conversation that will connect us again rather than whatever I want to see...

Anyhow, it just feels good to have seen him again.