I have a tendency to over think things, to pick them apart so that only the bare bones are left. Conversations, actions, events...I see much of the world and the people in it as a puzzle to figure out. I have a hard time of leaving things to my imagination.
This deconstructing can complicate things at times. It's easy to see shadows where there are none, detect a tone that isn't there or interpret words in the worst light. Sometimes, I think it would be better to take things at face value, to trust that all is as it seems and to reveal in that. But then I feel like I'm deluding myself.
As I write this, I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Is really to understand something or someone more? Or is it more about my constant need to worry about something/everything which is ultimately about my need to have control. I used to say, in a somewhat serious way, that I am a control freak. I thought it was mostly in my work life (although I am tame compared to some around me!). Now I realize it's in my personal life, too.
I think I convinced myself somewhere along the line that the constant figuring out, looking under rocks for motives or reading between the lines calms me. In all honestly, it doesn't. It's exhausting. It warps my perception of life and sucks the joy out of many days.
I guess that's a bit harsh. But it's just really dawning on me how useless it all is. I can't know how "it" all ends plus, when I think about it, why would I want to know? (yes, i was the kind of kid who opened her christmas presents weeks before the day and still wondered why I was so disappointed when I wasn't surprised)
Again, the best would be striking that delicate balance. Or at least try to feel comfortable enough with being vulnerable and if I really need to, ask the question (whatever it is) openly and honestly.
I have to remind myself to stay in the moments and to let go of figuring it all out. To enjoy it as if there were no others. To have the courage to be honest, not run away, and to trust.
Question is, can I do it?
This deconstructing can complicate things at times. It's easy to see shadows where there are none, detect a tone that isn't there or interpret words in the worst light. Sometimes, I think it would be better to take things at face value, to trust that all is as it seems and to reveal in that. But then I feel like I'm deluding myself.
As I write this, I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Is really to understand something or someone more? Or is it more about my constant need to worry about something/everything which is ultimately about my need to have control. I used to say, in a somewhat serious way, that I am a control freak. I thought it was mostly in my work life (although I am tame compared to some around me!). Now I realize it's in my personal life, too.
I think I convinced myself somewhere along the line that the constant figuring out, looking under rocks for motives or reading between the lines calms me. In all honestly, it doesn't. It's exhausting. It warps my perception of life and sucks the joy out of many days.
I guess that's a bit harsh. But it's just really dawning on me how useless it all is. I can't know how "it" all ends plus, when I think about it, why would I want to know? (yes, i was the kind of kid who opened her christmas presents weeks before the day and still wondered why I was so disappointed when I wasn't surprised)
Again, the best would be striking that delicate balance. Or at least try to feel comfortable enough with being vulnerable and if I really need to, ask the question (whatever it is) openly and honestly.
I have to remind myself to stay in the moments and to let go of figuring it all out. To enjoy it as if there were no others. To have the courage to be honest, not run away, and to trust.
Question is, can I do it?
