responses

In my MP3 player I have Pema Chopra's book on it. Every fourth song or so is a reading/interpretation. At first I avoided them and skipped to the next song. Today, on my day off for Family Day (living in Quebec gives me the ability to have a day off in the province I work and no kids at home since they're in school in QC, although they'd be at their mom's so it's a mute point..), I spent the day wandering my corner of town. Walked up to the pool at the top of my street, then over to the mall to get paperwork and photos for my new (and very late) health card, then to the nice old house that creates a little coffeeshop, then to get my Access Card so I can go swimming for "free" ($30 for a couple, which is better than $6 per swim)....I had a lot of time to listen and I thought, why not listen to the meditations.

It was good for me.

But I think I need more practice.

when J called from work to tell me he was on his way home, he also explained that since things didn't go as planned today (not his fault), he would have to return tomorrow night. Tomorrow night was the rescheduled Valentine's Day.

Unfortunately, I was disappointed and acted curt and sullen on the phone.

Then I thought about my reactions. All things streamed through my mind. Am I a priority? Is it easier to say no to me than to others? Am I a good doormat?

Then I paused again. Is the world ending? Is Saturday that far away (the date he suggested rescheduling to)? I know he loves me. Does it hurt that we have to reschedule? Sure. But it's not the end of the world. Am I just being a bitch?

I ended a relationship after spending too many years pretending to be the mature, rational girlfriend. Mind you, I've never been the type for big drama. A slow boil is usually my mode and then it doesn't really explode anyhow. Why? Because in the past, I often thought as soon as I exploded, "he" would walk away. And when I did explode - or stand my ground - in the last relationship, I was told I was irrational, a "bitch" or the problem.

So now I get conflicted. Maybe I've always been conflicted.

Just got a call to say that we're still on for dinner tomorrow night. J worked out something with the client and he'll do the work during the day.

Of course, I don't feel any better. I had resolved that I could live with Saturday. Guess I should have called to tell him.

Now I feel like a kid who threw a tantrum because she could. That wasn't my intention.

My intention was to convey my disappointment. I was looking forward to the time together to celebrate something...even if it's just V Day.

I don't want him to jump because I said so. He's had enough of that in his life. I suppose I want him to do it because he wants to. Simple.

It's all the underlying stuff that I"m now concerned about....when is it okay to be angry or annoyed? How do I convey that in a fair way?

Maybe the meditations would help suss this all out. I know I'm insightful but often over-think the littlest thing. I think I also need to be gentler with myself. I am not perfect nor do I react perfectly to every situation. I do try to improve and get to the heart of what I am feeling.

Sometimes it takes time to find the words for it to make sense to another person. What I do know is that J will be around for the explanation.