Still learning

It's been a long time since I wrote here.

Life has been full of ups and downs. Today is feeling more like a down but that will pass, I'm sure.

It's on days like today, as I feel my pulse start to race and my head get light, where I have these inner conversations in my head.

What can I do about this thing over which I'm stressing? Will the world end tomorrow? Will I be homeless and unloved? To all but the first, the answer is no. And the first answer gives me hope because there are things I can do.

I can keep telling myself that it's not the end of the world. I can keep saying that we will work this out.

I can keep telling myself that it's more important to be supportive of the ones we love than to give precedence to the feelings of others who are less dear.

I tell myself that the love of family is more important than the respect of friends. I know who I want to stand by.

I tell myself that this need to not have people disappointed in me and my intense desire to "please" at all costs stems from many years of having approval withheld. Just because I have this urgency to fix things, doesn't mean I should.

I tell myself that this feeling of panic will subside, we will make a plan to sort things out and life will resume.