time to go

Just read L.'s latest blog entry. She was commenting on another blogger's post, talking about many things but one specific one that has rolled over in my mind again and again for the last several years.

Does a long illness before death make it easier on the people you leave behind? I've often thought that with Brett's illness, I wish I had had more time. I hadn't been kept in the loop of Brett's progressing illness. I didn't know about the strokes when they happened. I didn't know he was home in a hospital bed. I had thought the silence was his way of letting go, the difficulty speaking and the frustration that came with not being his old self. I thought I was giving him space.

While Brett hung on to his life longer than the doctors anticipated, I felt like I didn't use the time given to me well enough. What I was able to do, thankfully, was share some feelings with him over a bit of time. I was able to show him how much I cared if only by attending his treatment sessions with him, visiting briefly so as not to tire and telling him how much I loved him. I had time for that.

With Dave, his death was so sudden and our distance so vast (at the time) that I felt completely devastated by the loss. Again, taking too much for granted I let time get away from me thinking there would be more. I could say and do all that I wanted to later.

Was Brett's leaving easier because I was able to grieve while he was still present? Was Dave's harder because I didn't have that opportunity? I can't say.

I know that even as I grieved for Brett or came to terms with his illness or whatever it was that I did, it was so different once he was gone. Painful and heart-breaking and sad. An ache in the pit of your stomach that seeps into every bone to sit there, sometimes more alive than others.

Death isn't easy to deal with, full stop. Life isn't easy either. Maybe what makes both easier is making the most of what we have while we have it - not taking people, time and experiences for granted.

meme from a friend

My good friend L who writes a blog and has for the last several years quietly tagged me in one of her latest posts. Here are the rules:
1. Post the rules on your blog.
2. Write 7 random things about yourself.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post.
4. Pass on the tag.

I can really only do a few of these because this blog isn't public and I can't tag people. Plus I only know a handful of bloggers.

So here goes:

1. I always wanted a sister. I grew up with a brother 4 years older and made do with older female cousins. Good, but I imagine not the same.

2. I am taking out Irish citizenship. My grandfather was born in Ireland and left when he was just a child. It wasn't his choice to leave; his family couldn't afford to keep him at home. He went to Scotland to work the docks at age 11, then on to a farm in Manitoba. Somehow he ended up in northern Ontario.

3. I love having my hair washed by someone. I had long, long red hair (with ringlets) when I was a child. My mom used to wash my hair in the kitchen sink. When i was really little, I would lie down on the counter; when I got older i would kneel on a chair and lean forward. I can still remember it like it was yesterday.

4. I used to believe a monster lived in my closet (at my parents house where I grew up). The door lock would often sllip and the old wooden door would c-r-e-a-k open. If there was a sweater or housecoat hanging on a hook, i'd be up all night watching it, waiting for it to move.

5. I have lived in 3 cities in 38 years (meaning, actually taking up residence...not counting extended stays in hotels/motels) but have lived in over 18 different places in 20 years. That took me a few minutes to figure out.

6. For almost year, during 6th grade I sat in the corner. Because I talked too much in class. For an introvert, that surprises me.

7. I find it incredibly difficult to let people do things for me.

Guess that's it. Fairly random...

Now to consider why I don't want this blog to be public....or maybe i'll pick up on that later. Need to go check to see how my painter is doing...