Just read L.'s latest blog entry. She was commenting on another blogger's post, talking about many things but one specific one that has rolled over in my mind again and again for the last several years.
Does a long illness before death make it easier on the people you leave behind? I've often thought that with Brett's illness, I wish I had had more time. I hadn't been kept in the loop of Brett's progressing illness. I didn't know about the strokes when they happened. I didn't know he was home in a hospital bed. I had thought the silence was his way of letting go, the difficulty speaking and the frustration that came with not being his old self. I thought I was giving him space.
While Brett hung on to his life longer than the doctors anticipated, I felt like I didn't use the time given to me well enough. What I was able to do, thankfully, was share some feelings with him over a bit of time. I was able to show him how much I cared if only by attending his treatment sessions with him, visiting briefly so as not to tire and telling him how much I loved him. I had time for that.
With Dave, his death was so sudden and our distance so vast (at the time) that I felt completely devastated by the loss. Again, taking too much for granted I let time get away from me thinking there would be more. I could say and do all that I wanted to later.
Was Brett's leaving easier because I was able to grieve while he was still present? Was Dave's harder because I didn't have that opportunity? I can't say.
I know that even as I grieved for Brett or came to terms with his illness or whatever it was that I did, it was so different once he was gone. Painful and heart-breaking and sad. An ache in the pit of your stomach that seeps into every bone to sit there, sometimes more alive than others.
Death isn't easy to deal with, full stop. Life isn't easy either. Maybe what makes both easier is making the most of what we have while we have it - not taking people, time and experiences for granted.
While Brett hung on to his life longer than the doctors anticipated, I felt like I didn't use the time given to me well enough. What I was able to do, thankfully, was share some feelings with him over a bit of time. I was able to show him how much I cared if only by attending his treatment sessions with him, visiting briefly so as not to tire and telling him how much I loved him. I had time for that.
With Dave, his death was so sudden and our distance so vast (at the time) that I felt completely devastated by the loss. Again, taking too much for granted I let time get away from me thinking there would be more. I could say and do all that I wanted to later.
Was Brett's leaving easier because I was able to grieve while he was still present? Was Dave's harder because I didn't have that opportunity? I can't say.
I know that even as I grieved for Brett or came to terms with his illness or whatever it was that I did, it was so different once he was gone. Painful and heart-breaking and sad. An ache in the pit of your stomach that seeps into every bone to sit there, sometimes more alive than others.
Death isn't easy to deal with, full stop. Life isn't easy either. Maybe what makes both easier is making the most of what we have while we have it - not taking people, time and experiences for granted.
No comments:
Post a Comment