not expecting the worst

I have a habit of expecting the worst in any situation. I would normally describe myself of an optimistic cynic. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I think that saves me from getting my hopes up. Although, it doesn't because I get them up quietly, in the background. When I feel let down, I feel justified in not putting my hopes out there, front and centre to have them dashed in full daylight.

I trust few people for some of the same reasons. I've tried to open myself up to people and opportunities over the last year. It's caused some significant changes in my life. But when I get scared, the same old fears surface.

Yesterday was one of those times. Thinking about sharing important details put me beside myself. As scared as I was that things would go horribly bad and the worst would happen, I trusted that it was still the right thing to do. I trusted and let the words spill out.

In typical fashion, I was accepted and put at ease. What I had magnified over time in my own mind was taken in stride. If anything, I was amazed to hear that there was pride in my telling the story and taking responsibility. I was shown love and respect.

I am truly lucky.

friday meme

Thanks to L for giving me one more blog for the month.

1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names):
Margaret James

2. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad):
Thomas Owen

3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name):
Dudebo

4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal):
Green dog

5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live):
Ann Ottawa

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite alcoholic drink, optionally add “THE” to the beginning):
The Indigo Amaretto Sour

7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name):
Defy

8. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):
Chocolate Ginger

9. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet’s name, current street name):
Monk Foley

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on):
Tiger Falconbridge

how to do it?

Anyone who knows me likely has had a glimpse into my loyal nature. I stand by my friends through the thick and thin. It takes me a long, long time to walk away. I'm not saying I'm like this with everyone because I'm not. Friendship is a two-way street in my opinion, not just one that takes. Relationships have an ebb and flow to them, so at times one person may need more "taking" than "giving" but it evens out. Or will eventually.

Given the above statements, when I see friends or loved ones hurting I struggle with staying neutral. I tend to worry, want to find ways to be supportive and more times than not harbour some ill feelings towards those who are causing the misery (if that's the root). I know it's not useful but it's me acting protective. I take sides.

Right now, I'm facing a situation where I am finding it tough to be charitable. It's not towards someone who I'm close to so it is not a central piece of my life. It is someone with whom I need to have a decent rappore though. It's also with someone who I think is in need of help.

Generally, when it comes to mental health issues, I am very open and understanding. I am finding it tough to be that way at the moment. I am frustrated, worried and at a bit of a loss about how to deal with it all. I think what's making it all worse is watching someone I love be torn apart because of someone else's issues. Watching kids be subjected to things they shouldn't see or hear at such a young age.

I think what is the most frustrating is watching someone clearly in need of help refuse to seek it. And everyone else suffers.