equal joy and pain (with thanks to lynn miles)

Some would say that I've had a rough few years. And in some ways, I'd agree.

I am lucky though. I have my health, a good job, family (even if I don't get on with them all the time, they're still there and more often than not come through for me), and friends who love and support me despite my bad behaviour at times.

I am smart, talented, funny and compasionate. I am loyal to those I love.

But yeah, these last few years have tested my strength. Losing Brett, Laurie's cancer, my aunt and uncle's cancer, Dave's death, Peanut, Mel's sister...at times it has felt that things could not get worse. I keep bracing myself for more bad news.

I asked Melinda during one late night conversation, "what more do I need to know about loss?" I feel like the universe must want me to know something else...like I'm in a remedial grieving class.

I think I've learned a lot. I like to think that I'm more present in my day-to-day than I was three years ago. I appreciate life more than I did. I try to find the positive in events and in the people around me. I try to look for the lessons in challenges, remain open to new experiences and especially to feelings. I try to put behind unhealthy behaviour and relationships and focus on those that can sustain me.

I have tried to quell my anxiety, looking inward to figure out how to tame the demons rather than numb them. It's tough and I don't always succeed. When I stumble, I try to be gentle with myself and not give in to the negative voices wanting to further abuse me. I try
to be a better friend at every chance.

I have come a long way from the person I was three years ago, six years ago, half a life ago.

Dave's death illuminated my life in a way. I saw that, as much as I thought I was open, I had closed myself off to many people. Life had made me wary. So I convinced myself that I had enough in my life. Enough friends, work, challenges. I just wanted to maintain what I had.

Then it all started to slip away. The few people who truly know me started to disappear. And there were some who I never got to say good bye to. Or thank you. Even when I did, how do you tell someone how much they changed your life? How important they were to you? How do you sum all of that up in words?

Lyrics in one of my favourite songs remind me that "life is equal joy and pain". I never really thought about life that way before. But I do now.

There are days when I can't believe all that has happened. Then I take a deep breath and forge on and count my blessings

Retrospect

So I sort of spent a few minutes flushing out my last reaction. Important for me to do because I like knowing from where I am (re)acting.

Things I realized:

- it really wasn't an apology;
- despite starting out as addressing P's bad behaviour, it ended up detailing how I am the disappointment (cause of said bad behaviour);
- as much as I just want P to go away, I have a need to set him straight/change what he does;
- this need leads me to much suffering so I really need to work on THAT;
- this is not the first time I've encountered this need. Not quite sure it's a pattern but let's just say, I've seen it before.

And you might wonder why I invest time in figuring out all of this. Why don't I just walk away with my parting words of "Enough already". I certainly wonder this.


I suppose I am trying to learn something from this conversation. I know I have a tendency to stay with people who treat me badly. Who don't appreciate me for who I am. I also know I have a tendency to run screaming from people who treat me well. Who love me and do nice things for me. While this is more obvious in my relationships with men, it also exists in my relationships with women. As my friend, L. can attest to the times that I burst into tears when she says something loving to me. At dinner the other night she echoed her understanding of my not-so-recent realization that it's easier for to care for others, than for myself.

So, I go back to relationships that aren't good for me or not let go of them when it's clear that would be the best route.

If I were to really learn from all of this, I would walk away. I would say, this isn't helping me and let it go. As much as I feel as though I'm giving up, I know that I'm not. Anyone who knows what I've put into this one relationship, knows that I'm not. I'm realizing that there's nothing to be gained from maintaining it. I have a choice to spend time in relationships that give me pleasure, energy and are positive.

It's not a bad thing to choose that path.