equal joy and pain (with thanks to lynn miles)

Some would say that I've had a rough few years. And in some ways, I'd agree.

I am lucky though. I have my health, a good job, family (even if I don't get on with them all the time, they're still there and more often than not come through for me), and friends who love and support me despite my bad behaviour at times.

I am smart, talented, funny and compasionate. I am loyal to those I love.

But yeah, these last few years have tested my strength. Losing Brett, Laurie's cancer, my aunt and uncle's cancer, Dave's death, Peanut, Mel's sister...at times it has felt that things could not get worse. I keep bracing myself for more bad news.

I asked Melinda during one late night conversation, "what more do I need to know about loss?" I feel like the universe must want me to know something else...like I'm in a remedial grieving class.

I think I've learned a lot. I like to think that I'm more present in my day-to-day than I was three years ago. I appreciate life more than I did. I try to find the positive in events and in the people around me. I try to look for the lessons in challenges, remain open to new experiences and especially to feelings. I try to put behind unhealthy behaviour and relationships and focus on those that can sustain me.

I have tried to quell my anxiety, looking inward to figure out how to tame the demons rather than numb them. It's tough and I don't always succeed. When I stumble, I try to be gentle with myself and not give in to the negative voices wanting to further abuse me. I try
to be a better friend at every chance.

I have come a long way from the person I was three years ago, six years ago, half a life ago.

Dave's death illuminated my life in a way. I saw that, as much as I thought I was open, I had closed myself off to many people. Life had made me wary. So I convinced myself that I had enough in my life. Enough friends, work, challenges. I just wanted to maintain what I had.

Then it all started to slip away. The few people who truly know me started to disappear. And there were some who I never got to say good bye to. Or thank you. Even when I did, how do you tell someone how much they changed your life? How important they were to you? How do you sum all of that up in words?

Lyrics in one of my favourite songs remind me that "life is equal joy and pain". I never really thought about life that way before. But I do now.

There are days when I can't believe all that has happened. Then I take a deep breath and forge on and count my blessings