Things I realized:
- it really wasn't an apology;
- despite starting out as addressing P's bad behaviour, it ended up detailing how I am the disappointment (cause of said bad behaviour);
- as much as I just want P to go away, I have a need to set him straight/change what he does;
- this need leads me to much suffering so I really need to work on THAT;
- this is not the first time I've encountered this need. Not quite sure it's a pattern but let's just say, I've seen it before.
And you might wonder why I invest time in figuring out all of this. Why don't I just walk away with my parting words of "Enough already". I certainly wonder this.
I suppose I am trying to learn something from this conversation. I know I have a tendency to stay with people who treat me badly. Who don't appreciate me for who I am. I also know I have a tendency to run screaming from people who treat me well. Who love me and do nice things for me. While this is more obvious in my relationships with men, it also exists in my relationships with women. As my friend, L. can attest to the times that I burst into tears when she says something loving to me. At dinner the other night she echoed her understanding of my not-so-recent realization that it's easier for to care for others, than for myself.
So, I go back to relationships that aren't good for me or not let go of them when it's clear that would be the best route.
If I were to really learn from all of this, I would walk away. I would say, this isn't helping me and let it go. As much as I feel as though I'm giving up, I know that I'm not. Anyone who knows what I've put into this one relationship, knows that I'm not. I'm realizing that there's nothing to be gained from maintaining it. I have a choice to spend time in relationships that give me pleasure, energy and are positive.
It's not a bad thing to choose that path.
No comments:
Post a Comment