not a good thought

I'm sure there are more women out there like me. Grown up, living alone (or sort of, if you don't count cats), no spouse, no sign other, no kids. With friends far and wide either with both partners and kids or approaching them quickly.

I love the company of my friends. Seriously. I don't know what I do without them. And many days we can hang out and not speak of the children. But put them in a room together and the conversation invariably circles back.

And why shouldn't it? Their children are a huge part of their lives. They fill them up with joy and wonder and sometimes heartbreak. They make them the people I love. Plus, I love the little ones, too.

So why is it that, on some days, I want to run screaming from the room? I tell you, it's not a good feeling. (Why speaking of the spouses doesn't create the same urge, I'm not sure...i think it's the combination of factors)

Ultimately, I know it's because I want what they have. But how do i not feel guilty about such an urge or how do I convey it without sounding completely selfish?

I don't think they know how hard it is to listen to these wonderful and horrible stories but then to go home alone.

And writing it doesn't make me feel any better.