I have a habit of expecting the worst in any situation. I would normally describe myself of an optimistic cynic. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I think that saves me from getting my hopes up. Although, it doesn't because I get them up quietly, in the background. When I feel let down, I feel justified in not putting my hopes out there, front and centre to have them dashed in full daylight.
I trust few people for some of the same reasons. I've tried to open myself up to people and opportunities over the last year. It's caused some significant changes in my life. But when I get scared, the same old fears surface.
Yesterday was one of those times. Thinking about sharing important details put me beside myself. As scared as I was that things would go horribly bad and the worst would happen, I trusted that it was still the right thing to do. I trusted and let the words spill out.
In typical fashion, I was accepted and put at ease. What I had magnified over time in my own mind was taken in stride. If anything, I was amazed to hear that there was pride in my telling the story and taking responsibility. I was shown love and respect.
I am truly lucky.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
friday meme
Thanks to L for giving me one more blog for the month.
1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names):
Margaret James
2. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad):
Thomas Owen
3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name):
Dudebo
4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal):
Green dog
5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live):
Ann Ottawa
6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite alcoholic drink, optionally add “THE” to the beginning):
The Indigo Amaretto Sour
7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name):
Defy
8. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):
Chocolate Ginger
9. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet’s name, current street name):
Monk Foley
10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on):
Tiger Falconbridge
1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names):
Margaret James
2. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad):
Thomas Owen
3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name):
Dudebo
4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal):
Green dog
5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live):
Ann Ottawa
6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite alcoholic drink, optionally add “THE” to the beginning):
The Indigo Amaretto Sour
7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name):
Defy
8. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):
Chocolate Ginger
9. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet’s name, current street name):
Monk Foley
10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on):
Tiger Falconbridge
Monday, November 24, 2008
how to do it?
Anyone who knows me likely has had a glimpse into my loyal nature. I stand by my friends through the thick and thin. It takes me a long, long time to walk away. I'm not saying I'm like this with everyone because I'm not. Friendship is a two-way street in my opinion, not just one that takes. Relationships have an ebb and flow to them, so at times one person may need more "taking" than "giving" but it evens out. Or will eventually.
Given the above statements, when I see friends or loved ones hurting I struggle with staying neutral. I tend to worry, want to find ways to be supportive and more times than not harbour some ill feelings towards those who are causing the misery (if that's the root). I know it's not useful but it's me acting protective. I take sides.
Right now, I'm facing a situation where I am finding it tough to be charitable. It's not towards someone who I'm close to so it is not a central piece of my life. It is someone with whom I need to have a decent rappore though. It's also with someone who I think is in need of help.
Generally, when it comes to mental health issues, I am very open and understanding. I am finding it tough to be that way at the moment. I am frustrated, worried and at a bit of a loss about how to deal with it all. I think what's making it all worse is watching someone I love be torn apart because of someone else's issues. Watching kids be subjected to things they shouldn't see or hear at such a young age.
I think what is the most frustrating is watching someone clearly in need of help refuse to seek it. And everyone else suffers.
Given the above statements, when I see friends or loved ones hurting I struggle with staying neutral. I tend to worry, want to find ways to be supportive and more times than not harbour some ill feelings towards those who are causing the misery (if that's the root). I know it's not useful but it's me acting protective. I take sides.
Right now, I'm facing a situation where I am finding it tough to be charitable. It's not towards someone who I'm close to so it is not a central piece of my life. It is someone with whom I need to have a decent rappore though. It's also with someone who I think is in need of help.
Generally, when it comes to mental health issues, I am very open and understanding. I am finding it tough to be that way at the moment. I am frustrated, worried and at a bit of a loss about how to deal with it all. I think what's making it all worse is watching someone I love be torn apart because of someone else's issues. Watching kids be subjected to things they shouldn't see or hear at such a young age.
I think what is the most frustrating is watching someone clearly in need of help refuse to seek it. And everyone else suffers.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
time to go
Just read L.'s latest blog entry. She was commenting on another blogger's post, talking about many things but one specific one that has rolled over in my mind again and again for the last several years.
Does a long illness before death make it easier on the people you leave behind? I've often thought that with Brett's illness, I wish I had had more time. I hadn't been kept in the loop of Brett's progressing illness. I didn't know about the strokes when they happened. I didn't know he was home in a hospital bed. I had thought the silence was his way of letting go, the difficulty speaking and the frustration that came with not being his old self. I thought I was giving him space.
While Brett hung on to his life longer than the doctors anticipated, I felt like I didn't use the time given to me well enough. What I was able to do, thankfully, was share some feelings with him over a bit of time. I was able to show him how much I cared if only by attending his treatment sessions with him, visiting briefly so as not to tire and telling him how much I loved him. I had time for that.
With Dave, his death was so sudden and our distance so vast (at the time) that I felt completely devastated by the loss. Again, taking too much for granted I let time get away from me thinking there would be more. I could say and do all that I wanted to later.
Was Brett's leaving easier because I was able to grieve while he was still present? Was Dave's harder because I didn't have that opportunity? I can't say.
I know that even as I grieved for Brett or came to terms with his illness or whatever it was that I did, it was so different once he was gone. Painful and heart-breaking and sad. An ache in the pit of your stomach that seeps into every bone to sit there, sometimes more alive than others.
Death isn't easy to deal with, full stop. Life isn't easy either. Maybe what makes both easier is making the most of what we have while we have it - not taking people, time and experiences for granted.
While Brett hung on to his life longer than the doctors anticipated, I felt like I didn't use the time given to me well enough. What I was able to do, thankfully, was share some feelings with him over a bit of time. I was able to show him how much I cared if only by attending his treatment sessions with him, visiting briefly so as not to tire and telling him how much I loved him. I had time for that.
With Dave, his death was so sudden and our distance so vast (at the time) that I felt completely devastated by the loss. Again, taking too much for granted I let time get away from me thinking there would be more. I could say and do all that I wanted to later.
Was Brett's leaving easier because I was able to grieve while he was still present? Was Dave's harder because I didn't have that opportunity? I can't say.
I know that even as I grieved for Brett or came to terms with his illness or whatever it was that I did, it was so different once he was gone. Painful and heart-breaking and sad. An ache in the pit of your stomach that seeps into every bone to sit there, sometimes more alive than others.
Death isn't easy to deal with, full stop. Life isn't easy either. Maybe what makes both easier is making the most of what we have while we have it - not taking people, time and experiences for granted.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
meme from a friend
My good friend L who writes a blog and has for the last several years quietly tagged me in one of her latest posts. Here are the rules:
1. Post the rules on your blog.
2. Write 7 random things about yourself.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post.
4. Pass on the tag.
I can really only do a few of these because this blog isn't public and I can't tag people. Plus I only know a handful of bloggers.
So here goes:
1. I always wanted a sister. I grew up with a brother 4 years older and made do with older female cousins. Good, but I imagine not the same.
2. I am taking out Irish citizenship. My grandfather was born in Ireland and left when he was just a child. It wasn't his choice to leave; his family couldn't afford to keep him at home. He went to Scotland to work the docks at age 11, then on to a farm in Manitoba. Somehow he ended up in northern Ontario.
3. I love having my hair washed by someone. I had long, long red hair (with ringlets) when I was a child. My mom used to wash my hair in the kitchen sink. When i was really little, I would lie down on the counter; when I got older i would kneel on a chair and lean forward. I can still remember it like it was yesterday.
4. I used to believe a monster lived in my closet (at my parents house where I grew up). The door lock would often sllip and the old wooden door would c-r-e-a-k open. If there was a sweater or housecoat hanging on a hook, i'd be up all night watching it, waiting for it to move.
5. I have lived in 3 cities in 38 years (meaning, actually taking up residence...not counting extended stays in hotels/motels) but have lived in over 18 different places in 20 years. That took me a few minutes to figure out.
6. For almost year, during 6th grade I sat in the corner. Because I talked too much in class. For an introvert, that surprises me.
7. I find it incredibly difficult to let people do things for me.
Guess that's it. Fairly random...
Now to consider why I don't want this blog to be public....or maybe i'll pick up on that later. Need to go check to see how my painter is doing...
1. Post the rules on your blog.
2. Write 7 random things about yourself.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post.
4. Pass on the tag.
I can really only do a few of these because this blog isn't public and I can't tag people. Plus I only know a handful of bloggers.
So here goes:
1. I always wanted a sister. I grew up with a brother 4 years older and made do with older female cousins. Good, but I imagine not the same.
2. I am taking out Irish citizenship. My grandfather was born in Ireland and left when he was just a child. It wasn't his choice to leave; his family couldn't afford to keep him at home. He went to Scotland to work the docks at age 11, then on to a farm in Manitoba. Somehow he ended up in northern Ontario.
3. I love having my hair washed by someone. I had long, long red hair (with ringlets) when I was a child. My mom used to wash my hair in the kitchen sink. When i was really little, I would lie down on the counter; when I got older i would kneel on a chair and lean forward. I can still remember it like it was yesterday.
4. I used to believe a monster lived in my closet (at my parents house where I grew up). The door lock would often sllip and the old wooden door would c-r-e-a-k open. If there was a sweater or housecoat hanging on a hook, i'd be up all night watching it, waiting for it to move.
5. I have lived in 3 cities in 38 years (meaning, actually taking up residence...not counting extended stays in hotels/motels) but have lived in over 18 different places in 20 years. That took me a few minutes to figure out.
6. For almost year, during 6th grade I sat in the corner. Because I talked too much in class. For an introvert, that surprises me.
7. I find it incredibly difficult to let people do things for me.
Guess that's it. Fairly random...
Now to consider why I don't want this blog to be public....or maybe i'll pick up on that later. Need to go check to see how my painter is doing...
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
dreams
i haven't been dreaming a lot lately. I've barely been sleeping over the last week so perhaps that's why!
Lots going on in this world. Just returned from two very hot (as in heat) weeks in Cyprus visiting J's family. It was relaxing (for the most part) and exciting at the same time. Nice to be away with someone special, meeting his family, seeing a new place in the world and great to take the time to re-energize. It's been years since i've been on a proper vacation that included sand the sea.
Coming home to a bit of chaos was managed much better due to the time away. And the fact the J is so supportive, reassuring and positive makes life in general so much easier. I am grateful for that support every day.
In the early hours of this morning, I had a dream. It was about Dave who I don't think I've really dreamed about since he died. In it, there was a third person who was with us...can't really say who. While the details are somewhat murky and faded in the daylight, I distinctly recall that this 3rd person was asking Dave questions. Dave was clearly saying that I know that I can call him anytime or I can see him anytime despite the distance. I remember walking with the two of them, thinking, "how am i going to explain that Dave isn't really here, that he's dead." More so though, I remember being grateful for what Dave was saying. I wasn't sad. I felt him with me, like old times.
It's hard to explain what it felt like when I woke up. Again, like in the dream, I wasn't sad. I do feel like it was a message....even though I know the dream was likely prompted because I unpacked a bunch of photos last night which had a few of Dave in the pile. But it was so vivid, so direct and so much like Dave to send that message that I want to think it was more than that.
Who knows. In the end, it made me feel good.
Lots going on in this world. Just returned from two very hot (as in heat) weeks in Cyprus visiting J's family. It was relaxing (for the most part) and exciting at the same time. Nice to be away with someone special, meeting his family, seeing a new place in the world and great to take the time to re-energize. It's been years since i've been on a proper vacation that included sand the sea.
Coming home to a bit of chaos was managed much better due to the time away. And the fact the J is so supportive, reassuring and positive makes life in general so much easier. I am grateful for that support every day.
In the early hours of this morning, I had a dream. It was about Dave who I don't think I've really dreamed about since he died. In it, there was a third person who was with us...can't really say who. While the details are somewhat murky and faded in the daylight, I distinctly recall that this 3rd person was asking Dave questions. Dave was clearly saying that I know that I can call him anytime or I can see him anytime despite the distance. I remember walking with the two of them, thinking, "how am i going to explain that Dave isn't really here, that he's dead." More so though, I remember being grateful for what Dave was saying. I wasn't sad. I felt him with me, like old times.
It's hard to explain what it felt like when I woke up. Again, like in the dream, I wasn't sad. I do feel like it was a message....even though I know the dream was likely prompted because I unpacked a bunch of photos last night which had a few of Dave in the pile. But it was so vivid, so direct and so much like Dave to send that message that I want to think it was more than that.
Who knows. In the end, it made me feel good.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
taking pain away
Have you ever watched a friend struggle with an issue, a situation or event and just want to scoop them up and place them in a better place? Not having kids, I imagine this must be what it feels like to want to protect them from the world's harm.
I have some of the strongest friends in the world. Loving, caring, warm-hearted people who have dealt with some of the worst shit life has to offer. And throughout it all, mostly kept a good sense of humour, a cool head and often thoughts of others in their minds.
I can't count the number of conversations I've had where I keep thinking...why am i talking about this/venting about this while person X is dealing with all of their own stuff. But that's the beauty of good friends. Or at least one of the beauties.
They will always be there to listen to my stuff. Sometimes it is a good distraction for them, sometimes it allows them to show they care when there hasn't been other opportunities, and mostly it's because they know I will always be there on the end for them. No one keeps score, it's just a given. We have each others backs.
And if that means supporting them in the middle of the night from miles away over the telephone or rushing over to sit on the couch, or changing plans to watch their kids...then, it's an easy choice. Beyond easy. No question.
When a friend thanks me for such a thing, I'm somewhat amazed....what else would I do?! To me, it's not a choice. It's a given.
If I never have a "family" of my own, I need to remember that these people are my family. And that's my choice.
I have some of the strongest friends in the world. Loving, caring, warm-hearted people who have dealt with some of the worst shit life has to offer. And throughout it all, mostly kept a good sense of humour, a cool head and often thoughts of others in their minds.
I can't count the number of conversations I've had where I keep thinking...why am i talking about this/venting about this while person X is dealing with all of their own stuff. But that's the beauty of good friends. Or at least one of the beauties.
They will always be there to listen to my stuff. Sometimes it is a good distraction for them, sometimes it allows them to show they care when there hasn't been other opportunities, and mostly it's because they know I will always be there on the end for them. No one keeps score, it's just a given. We have each others backs.
And if that means supporting them in the middle of the night from miles away over the telephone or rushing over to sit on the couch, or changing plans to watch their kids...then, it's an easy choice. Beyond easy. No question.
When a friend thanks me for such a thing, I'm somewhat amazed....what else would I do?! To me, it's not a choice. It's a given.
If I never have a "family" of my own, I need to remember that these people are my family. And that's my choice.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
how i work
why do I always think that I'm wrong?
or feel that my feelings don't matter or that I should put others first?
why can't I say what I want, put my needs out there?
sit with people being angry or disappointed in me?
have I always been like this?
or feel that my feelings don't matter or that I should put others first?
why can't I say what I want, put my needs out there?
sit with people being angry or disappointed in me?
have I always been like this?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
too much thinking
I have a tendency to over think things, to pick them apart so that only the bare bones are left. Conversations, actions, events...I see much of the world and the people in it as a puzzle to figure out. I have a hard time of leaving things to my imagination.
This deconstructing can complicate things at times. It's easy to see shadows where there are none, detect a tone that isn't there or interpret words in the worst light. Sometimes, I think it would be better to take things at face value, to trust that all is as it seems and to reveal in that. But then I feel like I'm deluding myself.
As I write this, I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Is really to understand something or someone more? Or is it more about my constant need to worry about something/everything which is ultimately about my need to have control. I used to say, in a somewhat serious way, that I am a control freak. I thought it was mostly in my work life (although I am tame compared to some around me!). Now I realize it's in my personal life, too.
I think I convinced myself somewhere along the line that the constant figuring out, looking under rocks for motives or reading between the lines calms me. In all honestly, it doesn't. It's exhausting. It warps my perception of life and sucks the joy out of many days.
I guess that's a bit harsh. But it's just really dawning on me how useless it all is. I can't know how "it" all ends plus, when I think about it, why would I want to know? (yes, i was the kind of kid who opened her christmas presents weeks before the day and still wondered why I was so disappointed when I wasn't surprised)
Again, the best would be striking that delicate balance. Or at least try to feel comfortable enough with being vulnerable and if I really need to, ask the question (whatever it is) openly and honestly.
I have to remind myself to stay in the moments and to let go of figuring it all out. To enjoy it as if there were no others. To have the courage to be honest, not run away, and to trust.
Question is, can I do it?
This deconstructing can complicate things at times. It's easy to see shadows where there are none, detect a tone that isn't there or interpret words in the worst light. Sometimes, I think it would be better to take things at face value, to trust that all is as it seems and to reveal in that. But then I feel like I'm deluding myself.
As I write this, I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Is really to understand something or someone more? Or is it more about my constant need to worry about something/everything which is ultimately about my need to have control. I used to say, in a somewhat serious way, that I am a control freak. I thought it was mostly in my work life (although I am tame compared to some around me!). Now I realize it's in my personal life, too.
I think I convinced myself somewhere along the line that the constant figuring out, looking under rocks for motives or reading between the lines calms me. In all honestly, it doesn't. It's exhausting. It warps my perception of life and sucks the joy out of many days.
I guess that's a bit harsh. But it's just really dawning on me how useless it all is. I can't know how "it" all ends plus, when I think about it, why would I want to know? (yes, i was the kind of kid who opened her christmas presents weeks before the day and still wondered why I was so disappointed when I wasn't surprised)
Again, the best would be striking that delicate balance. Or at least try to feel comfortable enough with being vulnerable and if I really need to, ask the question (whatever it is) openly and honestly.
I have to remind myself to stay in the moments and to let go of figuring it all out. To enjoy it as if there were no others. To have the courage to be honest, not run away, and to trust.
Question is, can I do it?
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
twitterpated
Twitterpated: From the http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=twitterpated
1. twitterpated
1)to be completely enamored with someone/something. 2) the flighty exciting feeling you get when you think about/see the object of your affection. 3) romantically (ahem) excited (i.e.: aroused) 4) the ever increasing acceleration of heartbeat and body temperature as a result of being engulfed amidst the exhilaration and joy of being/having a romantic entity in someone's life.
When he smiled at her, the rush of "warm, fuzzy, excited" sensations that filled her made her realized she ws completely twitterpated with this man.
2. twitterpated
An enjoyable disorder characterized by feelings of excitement, anticipation, high hopes, recent memories of interludes, giddiness, and physical overstimulation which occur simultaneously when experiencing a new love. These feelings take over without warning, usually at odd times (such as at a check-out line), with or without the partner present, and make it difficult to concentrate on anything but romance. They interfere with work and safe driving, but should be experienced at least once in every person's lifetime.
"Lisa is too twitterpated to even get a good night's sleep ever since she met David."
3. twitterpated
1. the happy jumpy feeling you get that causes you to smile uncontrolably. 2. the way birds and other animals act during mating season (as seen in Bambi)
1. Vianne gets twitterpated when Marcos touches her cheak.2. "The birds gettin all twitterpated," said the owl. (Disney's Bambi really is a good movie.)
Don't know exactly where to begin except the above descriptions are a perfect characterization of me for the last three weeks.
It's been a long time since I felt the rush associated with receiving a phone call or counting the hours until I see someone again. From the first exchange, there was an openness, a calmness despite the excitement and honesty. It didn't feel like a game of chess or reading between the lines. We shared good conversations about important topics quickly and have laughed more in a few weeks than I have in several years.
At times, I get nervous about how fast this is all going. We both are on the same page though which is reassuring. We both like where this is headed and are trying to enjoy our time.
He's away for another seven days. It's been four so far. He's called twice. And while we have only talked for mere minutes, those conversations have been the sweetest in my week.
I can't count the reasons I feel this way. He treats me terribly well; he speaks his mind; he shows affection freely and with words; he is funny and sweet; at times, I think he can read my mind.
I want to show him off to everyone in my life - but at the same time, want to lock him away just for myself.
Every once in a while I chastize myself for allowing another person to put such a spring in my step and smile on my face. Shouldn't I always be this happy with life? I haven't figured that out yet but I don't beat up on myself too long.
I'm taking all the happy I can get at the moment, eating it up, wrapping myself in it like a fuzzy warm blanket and thinking this is what I deserve.
1. twitterpated
1)to be completely enamored with someone/something. 2) the flighty exciting feeling you get when you think about/see the object of your affection. 3) romantically (ahem) excited (i.e.: aroused) 4) the ever increasing acceleration of heartbeat and body temperature as a result of being engulfed amidst the exhilaration and joy of being/having a romantic entity in someone's life.
When he smiled at her, the rush of "warm, fuzzy, excited" sensations that filled her made her realized she ws completely twitterpated with this man.
2. twitterpated
An enjoyable disorder characterized by feelings of excitement, anticipation, high hopes, recent memories of interludes, giddiness, and physical overstimulation which occur simultaneously when experiencing a new love. These feelings take over without warning, usually at odd times (such as at a check-out line), with or without the partner present, and make it difficult to concentrate on anything but romance. They interfere with work and safe driving, but should be experienced at least once in every person's lifetime.
"Lisa is too twitterpated to even get a good night's sleep ever since she met David."
3. twitterpated
1. the happy jumpy feeling you get that causes you to smile uncontrolably. 2. the way birds and other animals act during mating season (as seen in Bambi)
1. Vianne gets twitterpated when Marcos touches her cheak.2. "The birds gettin all twitterpated," said the owl. (Disney's Bambi really is a good movie.)
Don't know exactly where to begin except the above descriptions are a perfect characterization of me for the last three weeks.
It's been a long time since I felt the rush associated with receiving a phone call or counting the hours until I see someone again. From the first exchange, there was an openness, a calmness despite the excitement and honesty. It didn't feel like a game of chess or reading between the lines. We shared good conversations about important topics quickly and have laughed more in a few weeks than I have in several years.
At times, I get nervous about how fast this is all going. We both are on the same page though which is reassuring. We both like where this is headed and are trying to enjoy our time.
He's away for another seven days. It's been four so far. He's called twice. And while we have only talked for mere minutes, those conversations have been the sweetest in my week.
I can't count the reasons I feel this way. He treats me terribly well; he speaks his mind; he shows affection freely and with words; he is funny and sweet; at times, I think he can read my mind.
I want to show him off to everyone in my life - but at the same time, want to lock him away just for myself.
Every once in a while I chastize myself for allowing another person to put such a spring in my step and smile on my face. Shouldn't I always be this happy with life? I haven't figured that out yet but I don't beat up on myself too long.
I'm taking all the happy I can get at the moment, eating it up, wrapping myself in it like a fuzzy warm blanket and thinking this is what I deserve.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
yesterday
From Jonathon Cainer's site: For January 9th, 2008
Science fiction writers often postulate parallel universes, places where all is the same as in this world except one key point. There's a parallel universe somewhere in which big historic events turned out differently, or in which you took a subtly, but crucially, different path at your last set of crossroads. Currently, there's a parallel universe in which you half wish you were living. But if you WERE in that world, you'd want to be in this one. Especially if you knew what lay in store.
hmmm...familiar theme?
Science fiction writers often postulate parallel universes, places where all is the same as in this world except one key point. There's a parallel universe somewhere in which big historic events turned out differently, or in which you took a subtly, but crucially, different path at your last set of crossroads. Currently, there's a parallel universe in which you half wish you were living. But if you WERE in that world, you'd want to be in this one. Especially if you knew what lay in store.
hmmm...familiar theme?
feelings
Okay, so I stopped taking my vitamins over the last few weeks. No real reason, just got out of the habit.
Some of them were recommended to counter my mood swings associated with PMS. More and more often I was becoming agitated, panicky, depressed for days. The B6 acts as a anti-depressant as it raises the seratonine level in your system. It's been working like a charm. Until now. Because I stopped taking them.
Over the last couple of days the panic returned. I am anxious about things at work mostly. a bit of life in general but these swings remind me of a time when that's all I felt. And even though I know it will pass (and hopefully soon since I'm taking the B6 again), it makes me feel uneasy sitting with all of these emotions again.
On the up-side (and yes this is somewhat like burying the lead), I have another set of emotions that stem from meeting someone new and clicking. Had a great date which last several hours, only to come home to find an email waiting for me thanking me for a great time and making further plans. Now these are feelings I can contend with.
Some of them were recommended to counter my mood swings associated with PMS. More and more often I was becoming agitated, panicky, depressed for days. The B6 acts as a anti-depressant as it raises the seratonine level in your system. It's been working like a charm. Until now. Because I stopped taking them.
Over the last couple of days the panic returned. I am anxious about things at work mostly. a bit of life in general but these swings remind me of a time when that's all I felt. And even though I know it will pass (and hopefully soon since I'm taking the B6 again), it makes me feel uneasy sitting with all of these emotions again.
On the up-side (and yes this is somewhat like burying the lead), I have another set of emotions that stem from meeting someone new and clicking. Had a great date which last several hours, only to come home to find an email waiting for me thanking me for a great time and making further plans. Now these are feelings I can contend with.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
time traveling
Over the holidays, after my stint with my folks, I traveled to Toronto and Waterloo to see friends. It was a short visit but worth every second.
I spent a good chunk of time with everyone I wanted to see: Caught up with Sheri, Aileen and Rankine (Brett's friends); Roula; and Mel and Jeff. Unfortunately, fate intervened and I didn't get to see Todd (who the only one really on the list when I started out).
Mel and I hit the couch on Sunday night and watched about 8 epiosodes of an old favourite tv show. The one that stuck with me was where the main character has a spell cast that allows her to travel back in time so she can make different choices.
The thought has stuck with me for days. But it's the theme that's been running through my life for the last several months....looking at the choices I've made.
I mentioned this to an old friend I've reconnected with and he asked me what I would change. So many things ran through my mind...some little, some major. Words and actions I would take back; Words and actions I would push forward. He said he thinks about this, too. And actually apologized for treating me poorly about 20 years ago. Despite the time lapse, it felt good to hear the words.
He pressed me on what I would change. Of course, the main thing that jumped to my mind was my relationship with Dave. I would change how I ran away from the fact that he loved me. If I could do it over again, I would try to be more brave.
And again, that's the lesson I take today. Being brave means listening to what's sometimes buried really far down. It means taking risks and living honestly. If you don't, then what's the point at all?
I spent a good chunk of time with everyone I wanted to see: Caught up with Sheri, Aileen and Rankine (Brett's friends); Roula; and Mel and Jeff. Unfortunately, fate intervened and I didn't get to see Todd (who the only one really on the list when I started out).
Mel and I hit the couch on Sunday night and watched about 8 epiosodes of an old favourite tv show. The one that stuck with me was where the main character has a spell cast that allows her to travel back in time so she can make different choices.
The thought has stuck with me for days. But it's the theme that's been running through my life for the last several months....looking at the choices I've made.
I mentioned this to an old friend I've reconnected with and he asked me what I would change. So many things ran through my mind...some little, some major. Words and actions I would take back; Words and actions I would push forward. He said he thinks about this, too. And actually apologized for treating me poorly about 20 years ago. Despite the time lapse, it felt good to hear the words.
He pressed me on what I would change. Of course, the main thing that jumped to my mind was my relationship with Dave. I would change how I ran away from the fact that he loved me. If I could do it over again, I would try to be more brave.
And again, that's the lesson I take today. Being brave means listening to what's sometimes buried really far down. It means taking risks and living honestly. If you don't, then what's the point at all?
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
health resolution
I tend not to make New Year's resolutions. If I don't want to change something the fact that I swore "this year will be different" won't be the motivation to make me stick to it. Like everything else, you need to want to.
So there are at least two things I want to change for 2008.
1) lose 30 pounds.
And it's not about dieting persay. It's about exercising and eating better. Which will result in me losing weight. I've never been as heavy as I have in the last three years. I've always had an abundance of energy and not get winded from walking up a set of stairs. Not so at the moment. Well, it's better since I've already lost about 20 pds (if not more).
I also know that being more active keeps my mood up. Good segway.
2) Consistent exercise 4 times per week.
This last year has been great for me getting to the gym. Now I want to step it up a little and add another day, regularly. Or exercise of some sort. I'm getting somewhat addicted to the feeling but not in a compulsive way.
3) stop drinking.
Patterns repeat themselves too often in this area. Controlled drinking for many people is possible. Growing up with two alcoholic parents makes this possibility, at least for me, dangerous. Plus, if I'm trying to stay fit and feel good then alcohol has a negative impact on both these areas. Empty calories and depressed mood are most of what I get out of it. And that's on a good day.
As with everything else in life, I will take it one day at a time.
So there are at least two things I want to change for 2008.
1) lose 30 pounds.
And it's not about dieting persay. It's about exercising and eating better. Which will result in me losing weight. I've never been as heavy as I have in the last three years. I've always had an abundance of energy and not get winded from walking up a set of stairs. Not so at the moment. Well, it's better since I've already lost about 20 pds (if not more).
I also know that being more active keeps my mood up. Good segway.
2) Consistent exercise 4 times per week.
This last year has been great for me getting to the gym. Now I want to step it up a little and add another day, regularly. Or exercise of some sort. I'm getting somewhat addicted to the feeling but not in a compulsive way.
3) stop drinking.
Patterns repeat themselves too often in this area. Controlled drinking for many people is possible. Growing up with two alcoholic parents makes this possibility, at least for me, dangerous. Plus, if I'm trying to stay fit and feel good then alcohol has a negative impact on both these areas. Empty calories and depressed mood are most of what I get out of it. And that's on a good day.
As with everything else in life, I will take it one day at a time.
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